yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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