it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
