Don't make out with my wife yet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize