do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
