I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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