He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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