i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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