She said her name was "party"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
