I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize