Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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