Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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