is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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