Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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