weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
