No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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