I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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