I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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