You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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