they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
