why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
