I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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