thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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