She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
