i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Welp...herpes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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