you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
