fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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