My Higher Power is John Stamos
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
