dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
