I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
