if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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