I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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