I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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