Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
