there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
