Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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