I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
