I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
