there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize