so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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