i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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