I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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