your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
