So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
