were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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