2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
