He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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