I think I died a long time ago.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
