I just gift wrapped bread.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
