i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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