So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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