first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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