She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
