Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
