im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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