yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
