Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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