you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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