you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
