saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
