Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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