I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
