I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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