i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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