I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
