his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize