Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Randomize
