I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
