All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
