you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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