if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
