I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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