Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
