I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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