Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I supernannyed him into submission
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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