A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
