I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
