My underwear smells like fireworks.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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