so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
